Fifty Shades of Grey
Starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Jennifer Ehle, Eloise Mumford; directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson
Kingsman: The Secret Service
Starring Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Samuel L. Jackson, Mark Strong, Michael Caine Sofia Boutella; directed by Matthew Vaughn
The following contract must be signed in order for potential moviegoers to view the films Fifty Shades of Grey and Kingsman: The Secret Service. Please read every section of this contract before entering any theater showing said films as failure to do so can result in eye and brain damage and false expectations. The offeror of this contract is not liable for any such damage and deflated expectations. Of course, a prospective audience member is free to enter theaters showing these films at his or her own risk, but Politi-Flix and The Colorado Statesman cannot be held liable for any pain and suffering experienced thereby. Reading and signing this contract absolves Politi-Flix and The Colorado Statesman of any liability for false advertising or failure to disclose every aspect of these films that were unexpected and/or inflicted any distress or discomfort.
Fifty Shades of Grey
Made this day February 13 of 2015 (“The Viewing Date”)
Fifty Shades of Grey and Kingsman: The Secret Service (“The Dominants”) and Critic Man of “The Colorado Statesman ” (“The Submissive”)
THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS
1. The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominants and the Submissive.
2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore the limits of his endurance regarding the cinematic offerings of the Dominants (Fifty Shades of Grey and Kingsman: The Secret Service), with due regard for his well-being.
3. The Dominants and the Submissive each warrant that they are not bound to any previous depictions or statements regarding films of this genre that would prejudice the experience of watching and reviewing such entertainment. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this contract either becomes aware of any such preconceptions, he or they undertakes to inform the other immediately.
4. Adherence to the warranties, agreements and depictions herein are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void and allow each party to express themselves in any way they deem appropriate and necessary.
5. Everything in the contract must be viewed, read and interpreted in the light of fundamental entertainment quality.
6.1 The Dominants shall endeavor to take tired and well-worn cinematic genres (such as Cinderella, My Fair Lady, James Bond, Pretty Woman, Jason Bourne, Nymphomania, Blue is the Warmest Color, Mission: Impossible, Beauty and the Beast, American Psycho, etc.) and make them fresh by spicing them up to reflect the publics’ tastes and preferences in 2015.
6.2 The Dominants shall contain depictions of the infliction of pain, pleasure and suffering in ways designed to be unique as well as to titillate and shock.
Kingsman: The Secret Service
6.3 The Dominants shall depict their worlds in high-class style and elegantly suave tastes complete with tailored suits, neckties, opulent offices, private aircraft, and expensive technological gadgets.
6.4 The Dominants shall feature silky, elegant neckties as critical plot devices to help define certain characters’ identities, styles and desires.
6.5 The Dominants shall require all sorts of elaborate “tests” that must be endured, performed and passed in order for characters to evolve and the plot to advance.
6.6 The Dominants shall include an elegant, secret, private room wherein displayed in an orderly fashion are all sorts of elaborate, high-class gadgets that the characters use on each other in order to achieve pleasure and various strategic, interpersonal objectives.
6.7 The Dominants shall include elaborate technology and resources so that characters can surveil each other and track them no matter where they travel, such as desolate wintery mountaintops and Savannah, Georgia.
6.8 The Dominants shall feature the elaborate and extensive “training” of a young, naïve yet plucky, good-looking character so that they can become experienced adults and yet still needing to be mentored and tutored.
6.9 The Dominants shall include classical music on their soundtracks, in addition to selections of hip, pop music of today.
6.10 The Dominants shall have their main characters leave at certain points during their intense training sessions only to return later and “turn the tables” on those that would seek to dominate them.
6.11 The Dominants shall feature main antagonists as super-secretive control freaks who have twisted perspectives on human interactions.
6.12 The Submissive shall take pains to point out that the Dominants strive to distinguish themselves from predecessor cinematic genres of a suave, rich male teaching a naïve young apprentice in the ways of the world only to have that apprentice also teach him a thing or two about living, and the efforts to break out of the constraints and formulaic stuffiness of such narrative constructs through the use of humor only to realize that these are indeed still bound to the narrative constraints of the genre.
6.13 The Submissive shall point out that the depictions of pain, pleasure and suffering is actually rather tame and routine; in fact, many other films of their type are much more graphic and gruesome — but then these other films were marketed to more specialized audiences while the Dominants attempt to appeal to more mainstream, vanilla tastes.
6.14 The Submissive shall accept the Dominants’ requisite narratives that require juxtaposition between the hyper-rich and the struggling poor so that the hyper-rich can be taken down a notch while at the same time instilling a covetous desire to achieve such opulence by the underprivileged characters as well as the underprivileged viewers.
6.15 The Submissive shall endure the cinematic “tests” of patience while watching the Dominants perpetuate lengthy, obvious plots of dramatic struggles to face down those who would seek to rule over the characters and the inevitable conclusion of heroes vanquishing psychologically troubled bad guys.
6.16 The Submissive will accept the fact that all filthy rich guys must have loyal confidants that interact with the main characters and act as sounding boards and potential adversaries.
6.17 The Submissive shall be resigned that the Dominants’ naïve young main characters will find some inner strength and rise above the torment that they must endure to become well-trained, well-adjusted adults who know what they want and can stand up for themselves.
6.18 The Submissive will have to accept the fact that the main antagonists will possess over-the-top, quirky, kinky, weird, psycho personalities so as to be especially distained.
7. The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any act that would be deemed unappreciated by the Dominants such as getting up and walking out during the Dominants’ presentations, taking out and using a smartphone, uttering loud snoring sounds, guffawing within audible levels, becoming disingenuously shocked or embarrassed, etc.
8. The Dominants and the Submissive recognize that the Dominants may make demands on the Submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, auditory, or other harm at the time the Submissive endures the Dominants’ presentations. In such circumstances, the Submissive may make use of Safewords. Two such Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands.
9. The Safewords “This is unendurably hackneyed and silly” will be used to bring to the attention of anyone wishing to see the Dominants’ presentations that the Submissive is close to his limit of endurance.
10. The Safewords “Where the hell’s the exit?!” will be used to bring to the attention of anyone wishing to see the Dominants’ presentations when the Submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When these words are said, the Submissive is free to perform the action in the words and the Dominants’ actions will cease completely with immediate effect.
COMMENCEMENT AND TERM
11. This contract shall be effective for as long as the Dominants exist in theaters or in any other media venue.
12. The Dominants and the Submissive have read, watched, mildly enjoyed and somewhat understood the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our comments above. We do not plan to sign this contract as it is nonbinding and simply instrumental to our collective objectives. Have a nice day!
Doug Young is the longtime film critic for The Colorado Statesman, and his only contractual obligation is to keep producing witty, wordy film reviews.