WWDD (What would Democrats do)
Author: - April 13, 2014 - Updated: April 13, 2014
From the Book of Democrat, Chapters 6-12
Chapter 6: Noah Cometh
6:1: And the Democrats said, “Let there be enlightened public policies.”
6:2: And lo, the blessed children of Holy Woodland doth bring forth a film, created in the image of our Lord of the Rings by the invocation of creatures that resemble large moving rocks, that bringeth light unto darkened theaters.
6:3: This artifact was bestowed with the name of Noah and was conceived in the mind of Darren Aronofsky who directed it so that its vision and wisdom can be shared with all political persuasions.Noah begets the acting prowess of Russell Crowe, which begat Jennifer Connelly, and begat Ray Winstone, that begat Emma Watson, and begat Anthony Hopkins, and begat others.
6:4: Noah’s light was brought forth close to a day that doth bring Colorado Democrats together for their 2014 gathering in a Convention of brotherhood and sisterhood so that its message of hope and Democratic ideals and anointed candidates may shine down upon all.
6:5: And the Democrats looked upon Noah and saw that it was righteous and bathed in the policies of its platform.
6:6: But the Democrats found no rest as others, who also dwell upon this sacred ground and who call themselves Republicans, stood opposed to their ministrations and challenged the assertion that Noah’s preaching was akin to their words and beliefs.
6:7: “No”, the Republican’s shouted out to all that would hear, Noah was indeed their brethren and propounded their preaching of what is good and holy and right by way of public policy and political ruminations. They took great umbrage that such a blessed Christian icon could be appropriated for the Democrats’ earthly and humanistic pieties.
6:8: And the Democrats did rebut those cries and laid forth a large ship of arguments and observations that evidenced their belief in the truism of their vision — that in fact Noah was the son of their policies and the manifestation of their cause and canon.
6:9: And the Republicans, being still skeptical of such boldness, demanded the Democrats produce evidence of these claims.
6:10: And the Democrats did so with aplomb and alacrity.
Chapter 7: Power Corruptus
7:1: And lo, the Democrats did gazed upon Noah and in the beginning saw that the land depicted therein was corrupt; it was possesseth of men who would lay waste to the land and make it submit to the will of men.
7:2: The men of this barren land were steeped in the wiles of commerce where wealth and its accumulation were of the utmost, and men were enslaved by the system of wealth and power.
7:3: And unto this land emerged a powerful king who demanded unrequited allegiance. And he was made in the form of Ray Winstone. And although he was but a character created by Aronofsky, he doth represented the world as greeted by Noah, the one of Christian renown who walked with the Lord, after the Fall but before the Flood.
7:4: He ruled the kingdom of men and sayeth to Noah that he must bend to his will or face the hoards of his kin seeking salvation within the massive ark Noah hath built as divinely instructed to save the creatures of the earth from a looming watery cataclysm.
7:5: And Winstone and his hoards did taketh up arms against Noah and demanded that he submit to their will, and they did struggle and elicit great gnashing of teeth. But Noah rebuffed his temptations and entreaties.
7:6: The Democrats imparted to their Republican naysayers, “See? This doth symbolize the folly of the accumulation and concentration of wealth and power into the hands of but a few. Proselytizing the presumed virtues of economic benefits to those whom you anoint is folly. Better to emulate Noah and see the grace and mercy of confronting inequality, for blessed are those who seek Democratic ideals.”
7:7: And the Democrats saw that their cause was just and good.
Chapter 8: Caring for Creation
8:1: The Republicans still not persuaded, the Democrats gazed again upon the light of Noah and noted the reverential passion that he, the character Noah, respected and cherished the Lord’s creation. He did not seek to plunder and procure all that grows and crawls and slithers and flies and walks upon the land.
8:2: The world of Winstone and his hoard laid waste to the land for their needs were
paramount. They had forgotten that the land and all that dwelleth therein are to be sustained and nurtured. But the land and air and waters had become barren and poisoned and the beasts had become pilfered to feed the masses and the great maw of industry and commerce.
8:3: Noah saw what this had wrought and saw that it was bad. He and his wife and progeny learned to live in harmony with the creation and take only what was needed, and leave the rest to be fruitful and multiply.
8:4: And Noah, under great sweat of his brow, took it upon himself to fashion an ark to protect the creatures of the earth, and in so doing personified the Democratic belief in the sanctity of the natural surroundings.
8:5: But the Republicans challenged this assertion by pointing to the great visual time lapse shone by Noah of the Supreme Being’s creation of the universe in six days. And it was indeed splendiferous with intelligently designed computer graphics racing through the marvel of creation.
8:6: But lo, the Democrats retorted, “Even this majestic sight confirms our interpretation as it too begins with the big bang of a blinding light and a rapid succession of images of beasts and living things growing and evolving to become the diversity that we now know. As such, it represents the wisdom of science that nature is unique and complex and subject to natural laws that must be cherished, fathomed and protected.”
Chapter 9: Wacky Tobacky
9:1: But before the Republicans could rejoin, the Democrats hastened to cast another stone and implored the Republicans to gaze upon the manner in which Noah calms the beasts that find sanctuary in his radical ark.
9:2: For Noah proposes that Noah quieted those creatures to endure the lengthy duration riding upon the floodwaters by surrounding them with the smoke from a great and mysterious herb that put them into a pleasant and blissful demeanor.
9:3: And the Democrats did wonder, “If Republican politics doth rule, would the creatures of the earth ever have been saved? At the very least, their journey would have been less joyful and peaceful.”
Chapter 10: Choice
10:1: Coming back down from on high, the Democrats doth continued by noting the great act of Noah demonstrating his deep respect for women and the choices they make concerning procreation.
10:2: And the Democrats did point to a woman, in the form of Emma Watson who was taken on the ark as a wife for one of Noah’s sons, and the miracle of her conceiving. Noah, believing he is instructed by the Lord to smite all humankind so as to cleanse the earth of the evils of men, became distraught as her offspring could repopulate the earth and reseed the lands with evil once again.
10:3: Upon testifying of such strife, the Democrats did hasten to warn of a spoiler alert to any who would wish to gaze upon Noah. But, suffice it to sayeth Noah in Noah performs an act that respects the choice that is endowed to all humans governing the life of mother and child — a testament to the wisdom of Democrats’ beliefs.
10:4: Yet further truth to their words comes in the form of Ham, another son of Noah, who wishes to choose his own partner in the sacred bounds of matrimony. The many dire struggles and consequences that ensue are a harbinger of a world where such choice is foreclosed.
Chapter 11: All the Colors of the Rainbow
11:1: The Republicans scoffed, but were unable to deter the Democrats, who regaled further of the obvious covenant of the rainbow signifying not only that the Lord would not again destroy the earth with flood, but the covenant of acceptance of all no matter their persuasion.
11:2: As the Democrats did rejoice and entreat, “Do not hate, do not follow the flight of the hawk, but embrace the loving peacefulness of the dove for it is the dove that bringeth the olive branch of peace and acceptance. Find ways to confront your enemies with mercy and understanding, bring them to the path of enlightenment, treat them as thine brother and sister.”
11:3: Noah preaches that mercy and tolerance are profound exhibitions of the divine spirit. As Noah doth showeth, we are our brother’s keeper and must set upon a path of betterment for all.
Chapter 12: The Flood of Evidence
12:1: And upon being subjected to the force of Democrats’ persuasion, the Republicans uttered their final riposte, “Lo, it is just like Holy Woodland and you Democrats to twist the scriptures to fit your secular refrain and attack precious Christian values and faith.”
12:2: And with that the Democrats leveled a devastating blow. They harkened to the symbolism of the rising floodwaters covering the lands of the earth in Noah as a warning about man’s meddling with the forces of creation from his overheating the air producing a rising of the seas. As the Winstone hoards of Noah learn to their peril so should we learn from our own arrogance regarding the great and abundant exhale of our industries and activities. The Lord may sayeth that he will no longer bring a deluge, but man has not made such a covenant with creation.
12:3: And they simply sayeth these two words: “climate change.” And the Democrats saw that their position was solid.
Doug Young, the senior policy director in Gov. Hickenlooper’s office, is a prestigious film critic whose creative columns have received multiple awards in the Colorado Press Association’s Better Newspaper Contests over the years.