It was Another Year, not a Leap Year, at the movies while we experienced Life During Wartime. And It’s Kind of a Funny Story, but How Do You Know about Life as We Know It/? Well, here’s one way to tell it Just Wright.
On Wall Street, Money Never Sleeps, and it seemed more like a Casino Jack, The United States of Money, while the investor abuses were an Inside Job. But for some, especially at the top of the economic pyramid, all Knight and Day it was Morning Glory for stock Daybreakers who watched the Skyline during the Twilight Eclipse.
These Monsters and Predators, who looked like The Wolfman and felt like Resident Evil, raided Shutter Island and thought it was Fair Game, even The Perfect Game. They Flipped on The Switch and became Takers of our future financial security, but never faced Conviction. It’s clear our investments were not set in Stone or guarded by a protective Centurion.
But since there is The Fighter in all of us, we thought about sending The Bounty Hunter after our lost pension funds. It would be a Clash of the Titans, with Harry Potter and Percy Jackson & the Olympians taking on derivative marketers. But we decided not to get The Crazies, or even show that we were Crazy on the Outside, and instead resigned ourselves to being The Losers of our largess and faith in the system.
When in Rome we met The Girl on the Train who came From Paris With Love after The Tourist told us to Get Him to the Greek to fix that country’s financial crisis. And back home, given the lack of jobs, a Solitary Man joined with The Extra Man to find Winnebago Man before he was visited by the Repo Men, the Paper Man, and the scrap Iron Man.
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky, facing financial troubles, learned to their delight that their financial advisors Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead while sharing their troubles with Guy and Madeline on a Park Bench and asked them about the cost of hiring Nanny McPhee to look after their own kids Ramona and Beezus and The Little Fockers.
Many Americans hoped for financial rescue from Robin Hood or The Tooth Fairy, but when it came to their money, it felt like Alice in Wonderland falling down the Rabbit Hole. And as they looked to the future for them and their neighbors, Somewhere, near the Edge of Darkness, it looked more like A Nightmare on Elm Street.
The result for some was to send out notices saying that Our Family Wedding was interrupted by a Death at a Funeral with the eulogy being read from The Book of Eli by A Prophet. Some even had to take Extraordinary Measures as the Due Date of their bills kept coming Faster and felt Unstoppable.
Mother and Child got worried, as did the Babies, but as the Father of My Children I did my best, and, like all good Grown Ups, distracted them by telling a Toy Story. I was just The American trying to keep up with The Joneses. But for some, when looking at their expenses, they wondered, Why Did I Get Married Too? As families watched their nest eggs Get Low, they could not find The Back-Up Plan to have their money Going the Distance for them.
For Colored Girls, many had a Blue Valentine on Valentine’s Day. Some people were holding out hope for that winning Lottery Ticket. Others headed to street corners to ask passersby to Please Give and Let Me In for I Am Love with The Good Heart pining for the Love Ranch. Those especially hard up asked the Devil for My Soul to Take in the Hereafter. And a few poor souls even became delirious and Saw some Paranormal Activity after they Buried the last of their stash before the After.Life.
Despicable Me, after learning of the failure to increase taxes on the wealthy, I had the Killers and Brooklyn’s Finest kill off The Killer Inside Me. But things looked up when Cyrus, Carlos, MacGruber and The Other Guys all helped rescue the trapped Chilean miners as we all knew that they were not The Expendables.
Retreating to cyberspace, in The Diary of a Wimpy Kid there was a note saying She’s Out of My League, which, to the kid’s horror, was later posted on The Social Network and made him into one of The Runaways. But young Scott Pilgrim, a Youth in Revolt, told us that The Kids Are All Right and sang about Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
In the Animal Kingdom, The Owls of Ga’Hoole, a potentially endangered species, threatened the livelihood of Marmaduke, who let out a Howl, and with his Dogtooth, attacked Yogi Bear, who was fishing for Piranha in a Fish Tank and for Catfish near a lake with a Black Swan, and thereby created the Furry Vengeance of Cats and Dogs and The Revenge of Kitty Galore.
The Next Three Days after the November elections felt like 127 Hours to some, especially as there was not enough Salt during Dinner for Schmucks, so we had to Eat Pray Love before the passage of the food safety bill during Congress’s lame-duck session.
In our schools, while Waiting for Superman, The Karate Kid got an Easy A after he took a Step Up to take on The A-Team of more educated kids from foreign lands.
Air travelers, suffering through heightened security procedures in the Green Zone, were getting Red in the face and so wanted their next flight to be The Last Airbender, or at least hoped that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice would provide instructions on How to Train Your Dragon so as to avail themselves of such other travel options. But the security personnel said to them that The City of Your Final Destination was not available, so travelers had to tell their families that they would Never Let Me Go.
So, we amused ourselves by watching Secretariat, who was no Jackass, kick up some True Grit. On blogs, some wanted to take a Machete to Inception to make it more Kick-Ass, while Tron got Tangled in The Tempest. Others went on a Date Night listening to the Last Song while Jack Goes Boating on The Voyage of the Dawn Treader during The Last Day of Summer. The Prince of Persia and Princess Kaiulani attended The King’s Speech. And The Ghost Writer penned Letters to God and Letters to Juliet after a Dear John letter.
Chilled to Winter’s Bone, some found solace by jumping into a Hot Tub Time Machine. A few even enjoyed Burlesque after getting some Love and Other Drugs. While in The Town, on City Island, near the Spy Next Door, there was plenty of Sex in the City.
Given all these distractions, I should not have to tell You Again that things could start looking up as I hear that You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger named Jonah Hex who will exclaim, I Love You Phillip Morris. And Remember Me and my Megamind when you see Charlie St. Cloud walking on a cloud, or when Alpha and Omega predict Shrek Forever After.
Like All Good Things, this year, and this column, must come to an end, but I’m Still Here. For now, I will simply say Farewell as I Countdown to Zero, Exit Through the Gift Shop and join Gulliver’s Travels before the Legion of next year’s, hopefully Biutiful, films begin.
Doug Young has shared his insightful film reviews with Statesman readers for the last 12 years, the same amount of time he has worked for Mark Udall, first in his congressional office and then in his Senate office as an environmental policy advisor. Next week Doug begins working for John Hickenlooper in the governor’s office. He will continue penning his award-winning film reviews for the newspaper.