Undigestible cinema - Colorado Politics

Undigestible cinema

Author: - August 6, 2010 - Updated: August 6, 2010

Dinner for Schmucks

You are cordially disinvited to
an evening screening for

Dinner for Schmucks

The non-funny festivities are scheduled to start regularly every two hours

Please be sure not to bring anyone who you wish to continue to be your friends,

But you are welcome to bring people you don’t like so as to subject them
to an unentertaining evening of indigestion and nausea

On the Menu

Roadkill Risotto — The evening starts off with dressed-up roadkill in the form of mice that a certain “schmuck” garnishes in dioramas depicting historic scenes and icons (what fun! And isn’t it just so gosh-darn “schmucky,” you know, rather than artistically culinary?!)

Over-Stuffed Schmuck Duck — All of our Schmucks are prepared with special care: Their humor is force-fed and contrived to stomach churning obviousness. Our chefs appreciate that you like your schmucks to be knowingly aware of the mischievous mayhem they cause and not overcook them or slather them with subtle spices that might actually make them show their true funny flavors of clumsiness, absent-mindedness, and endearingly misdirected well-intentionality; The result: A main course of wincing comedic heartburn (yum!)

Mirage Meringue — For dessert, you will certainly want to miss topping off this unfunny evening with this special non-tasty treat; each light, fluffy and empty bite will remind you of why you should not have come to this dinner: Every ingredient is fabricated, all reactions of enjoyment are faked, and all eating behaviors are inexplicable. Your jaw will drop and your mouth will fail to salivate while taking in cooked-up and strained scenes involving mistaken identities, deliberate privacy violations, willful physical harm, and mean-spiritedness. You will be amazed at how unrealistically indigestible it is!

Fizzy-less Beverages

A cash bar will be provided offering surprisingly expensive beverages to help you endure the smarminess and hokey sentimentality of the whole affair; they will also help you to forget the obvious lessons about the consequences of treating people poorly, or the pat conversations about the arrogance of wealth and the need to teach it a lesson by over-stuffed schmucks

Turning the Tables

If you don’t make it to this soiree, you will get the chance to miss the fun parlor game of “turning the tables” and thus spare yourself the humiliation and unpalatable experience of making fun of the other “schmucks” who attend, who will then turn around and make fun of you for making fun of them, and so on all night long; be sure to avoid all the un-hilarity!

Please do not attend; we would love to not see you

There is no place to contact us or send an RSVP

We sincerely hope you cannot make this and will choose some other more humorously satisfying venue for your evening entertainment

After all, you’d have to be a “schmuck” to attend
Dinner for Schmucks

Doug Young is the film critic for The Statesman.

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